Friday, March 8, 2013

{day twenty} at the foot of the cross I lay down my 'not good enoughs'...

Half way through this Lenten season and I admit I thought I'd have it all figured out by now.  This worry thing.  This thing that continues to rob me of joy.  Of freedom. 

I figured I'd be well on the way.  Skipping down the path, carefree and willy-nilly. 

I assumed that each and every day for forty straight days I would have something new to lay down.  Something fresh and exciting.  Something that would give me hope.  So that I could spread that hope to others. 

That hasn't been the case.

The truth is I'm discovering that I worry about the same things over and over.  After yesterday's post, you probably figured out that I've spent the better part of the last few days laying those same things down.  Today was no different.

After an evening spent at the Theater and less than the regular eight hours of sleep, this morning met me with grumpiness and impatience and an all-over heaviness.  I faked it the best I could.  But allow me to share with you the grueling and ugly side of my morning...

For starters, I could not find a single thing to wear to work.  Not a shred of clothing that seemed suitable.  Fashionable enough.  Cute enough.  Stylish, but not too trendy.  {I'm more a classic trends kind of gal, anyway}.  Something that did not scream 'I've been hanging here for five years!' or 'You wore me last week, just with different pants!'

Then, my hair didn't seem to want to rejoice that it was Friday.  It didn't fall in all the right places and look cute and put together.  Instead, it mirrored something more along the lines of 'toddler mom' hair and less like 'cute, trendy, super-easy, fun' bob. 

My daugther wanted absolutely nothing to do with me this morning.  Nothing.  She would run and hide and throw a bit of a fit.  She wanted her daddy.  I know this not because of her behavior and all because she kept saying, 'I want Daddy.'  Which of course, was all my heart heard the rest of the morning.

My house looks as if a tornado has blown through.  The dust is about two inches thick on the furniture.  The vaccum has actually sent me a friend request out of fear that I forgot about her.  The laundry is piled so high the shelves have disappeared in the laundry room.  The dishwasher is full of clean dishes and the sink is swimming in dirty dishes.  And let's not even start on the backyard.

I felt frumpy and sloppy and oh-so-less-than-polished.  I felt not good enough. 

My clothes aren't enough.  My rest wasn't enough. 

I wasn't enough of a house-keeper for the my home to be spotless.  All the time.
I wasn't enough of a mama for my girl to want me.  All the time.
I wasn't enough of a person to have stylish clothes with cute hair and polished make-up.

Do you see how worry takes over and can ruin an entirely beautiful day?  All before 7:30am?

After I made the trek back to the foot of the Cross, I uncovered the Truth. 

Sadly, not only to have enough clothes in my closet {old and less-than-stylish or not}, but I also had a laundry full of dirty clothes.  Full of dirty clothes.  Abundantly blessed is what that is.

While I may not have gotten enough sleep to feel well-rested, I still had a place to lay down.  A place that kept me warm and comfortable.  And on top of that, every room in my house has a place to lay down and be comfortable.  Abundantly blessed is what that is.

Selfishly, my hair did not seem to be 'on time' this morning.  It looked flat and ragged.  But there are women waking up all over the world who would love to have hair.  And not only those women.  There are women who would love to be able to afford shampoo.  Much less a hair dryer, flat iron and hair product.  Abundantly blessed is what that is.

My daughter, who loves me, is, in fact, a toddler.  She is fickle.  She plays games.  And, I'm embarrassed to admit this, but she gets the best of me.  I know she loves me.  Because she told me so as I dropped her off at school.  There are babies all over this world, and in our very own backyards, that would scream at the chance to have one, not to mention two, parents that love them.  That wrap them up tight in arms of love.  And squeeze them until they beg for breath.  Abundantly blessed is what that is.

And this house of mine.  That needs some attention in the worst way.  Well, it is lived in.  Every square inch is lived in each and every day.  I remind myself that I don't live in a museum.  We are making a home.  Not just living in a house.  And there are tons of people who would give anything to have a roof over their head; dirty or not.  Abundantly blessed is what that is.

The Holy Spirit spoke to me as I was laying down all my not good enoughs.

He reminded me that if Jesus returns tomorrow He will not be concerned over the clothes I'm wearing or whether I'm having a bad hair day.  He will not care whether my house is clean.  And I shouldn't be worried over this things either.  He reminded me that I am good enough.  That I am chosen and redeemed and adored.  Not because of my home or clothes or hair.  Because of me and who I am at heart.

What are those things that make you feel not good enough?  How can He shine Light and Truth over those areas today?

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