Tuesday, April 16, 2013

for the days when you want to resign from adulthood...

Yesterday did me in.

From the time my eyes cracked open and realized I had survived the previous day quarantined to the bedroom with a sick toddler, I knew all the tasks that stood between me and the next bedtime.  A time which couldn't come soon enough because I was already exhausted just thinking about those tasks.

Top all that off with a full day in the office and I give you a case of frazzled nerves and hair that would make a Chia Pet jealous.  

But to make the day extra awesome, I took my not-so-feeling-all-that-better tot to register for dance classes.  We talked about it and laughed about and clapped about it all the way to the dance studio.  However, the child that rode with me to register and the child that actually walked into the establishment were not of the same DNA.  Somewhere between the car and the front door of the dance studio invasion of tiny tot body snatchers happened.  It was something out of this world.  She pulled out all the punches.  Flailing on the floor. Arching the back and going limp like a noodle.  Kicking and screaming.  Hitting me.  Oh, and spitting.  Let's not forget the spitting.   Short of head spinning and spewing green slime, she had the act down pat.  

You can imagine my surprise.  I was so flustered that I hadn't a clue how to react to such a scene.  In a rather stellar mommy moment, I looked at my tot and said {through clenched teeth no less} 'Who are you?!!'

Her reply?  

{Through equally clenched teeth and a rather dramatic stomped foot} 'I Harper!'

Then, because I was already having a such a stellar moment, I said, 'I need Jesus to come do an exorcism on you.'

I anxiously waiting for my Mom of the Year award to arrive in the mail any day now.

Who am I?  

I'm the mommy who wanted to turn in my resignation letter from adulthood and head for the comfort of my mama's house; where everything was in order and I didn't have a worry in the world.

I'm the mommy who had never experienced the toddler tantrum in public, leaving me flustered and bewildered as to how to counteract such behavior.

I'm the mommy who spent more time worrying about what everyone else must be thinking of me and my lack of parenting skills, just knowing they must be pleading with the dance owner NOT to place their precious child in a class with mine.  

I'm the mommy who cried all the way home because failure blanketed my shoulders like a heavy, hot winter coat on an 80 degree Spring afternoon.

I'm the mommy who failed to pour out an extra dose of grace over my girl {and myself}.

She was having a rotten moment.  {And she let me know it!}  She needed me to scoop her up and lavish her with grace and love and mercy.  Not demand that she get her act together and behavior in the precious, perfect way I expected.  

I mean, who hasn't had a moment in the middle of a rotten day when you wanted to kick and scream and flail  on the floor all limp-noodle like for the sake of just making yourself feel better?!!  

I have!

And then I realized, I do.  Sure, I may do it in a more socially acceptable form, but I still rant and rave and have tantrums all the time.  Sometimes they come in the form of venting to a friend.  Or having a mental retaliation conversation with the person who offended me.  Other times they come in bouts of uncontrollable tears and slammed doors.  Or mumbles under the breath and the silent treatment.  

Those are the moments that I feel Jesus pour out an extra dose of grace over me.  He wraps me up in His ever-lasting arms and rocks me back to a place of peace and perspective.  

As tiny hands wrapped around me neck last night and noses met, I heard the words that brought peace and perspective back to my upside-down world.  

'I wuv you more, Mama.'

Yes.  Just want my heart needed to reunite my heart with hers.  To make all the ranting and raving disappear.  And for the heavy coat of failure to slip off my shoulders and puddle the floor.  

We all have tantrums.  And crummy days.  And moments when we want to hand in our resignation and quit adulthood all together.  

But those are the same moments and days that Jesus pours out an extra dose of grace.  We just have to unclinch our fists and stop gnashing our teeth long enough to feel the warmth of the grace wash over us.  And that is when your aching heart reunites with His and peace and perspective are restored.

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