or maybe i was just pretending it would never come.
either way, this growing up thing is bittersweet for a mama's heart.
on one hand, it is such joy to watch you grow and thrive and learn all the things.
yet, on the other, it makes me sad.
sad that you need me less and less.
for you will always be the tiny little bundle of pink that i have spent all the time kissing and hugging.
but it has been seven whole days since you started this kindergarten chapter.
and just this morning, i watched you bound out of the car alone for the first time and walk yourself into the front doors of school.
not before you turned around, with a backpack as big as you, and said 'love you, mama.'
and then, just like that, you slammed the door and walked off in the direction of the ginormous front doors of the school.
i watched you from the rear view mirror.
well, at least until i was motioned to move it right along.
i had barely rounded the curve leaving campus before i called your daddy with a crack in my voice and tears in my eyes.
he answered on the first ring.
for he knew the state my heart would be in this morning.
i was happy and proud and sad and miserable.
all at the same time.
no one tells you this motherhood thing is a big ol' melting pot of all the emotions.
stirred together and poured out all at once.
as a grace offering for the gift of you.
i have spent the better part of this past week pondering all the things i want you to know this kindergarten year.
all the things you already know.
because they are all the things i tell you on an endless repeat cycle.
but some day, you may look back on these words in moment when you are questioning all the things.
funny how this mixed up, upside down, broken sphere of a place has a way of messing up all the things.
my prayer is in those moments you will know and feel and believe the immensity of my heart for you, my precious girl.
you are smart. and not just because i say so. i promise there are moments when i can literally see your brain expanding with knowledge. you catch on so quickly. most days, i stand in awe over our conversations. who am i kidding? we actually debate these days. truth be told, i spend most of days thinking you are smarter than me. but not trying to let you know because then you will know. you know? there is not a doubt in my mind that you can and will achieve great things in this life. all you have to do is try and never give up. remember that. never give up. always reach for the stars and you will eventually touch the moon.
you are kind. this tender heart of yours is such a treasure. you have a passion for all people. and that makes my heart smile. perhaps what i love most is that this world has yet to tarnish you against the differences of people. you keep on loving without a second thought. my fervent prayer is that you will always love all the people this way. this unashamed, unchanged, unafraid way. my hope is that you will know and believe the truth that we all were created in the image of the One who is perfect. and that makes all the people equally lovable.
you make us proud. sure, you make mistakes. and you sass and disobey. but you still make us proud. we beam with joy watching you learn and grow and make sense of this crazy world around you. you push the limits and my buttons. you try to expand your boundaries. but you still understand and respect the rules set before you and we can see you trying your best to abide by those rules. may you always know the boundaries are there to protect you. never to restrict you. and as you continue to grow and learn, those boundaries will get wider and farther.
you are loved. beyond measure. there is absolutely nothing you could do or say that would make us love you less. our hearts are an unceasing, constantly flowing, bottomless abyss of undying affection for you. you will always be one of God's greatest gifts to us. for you are our reward from heaven. there are no grades or color changes or missed homework assignments that will cause us to love you less. things are not always lovely. but you are always deeply loved.
you belong. anytime two or more people are gathered in the same place there can be a feeling of unworthiness. of not belonging. people have a way of leaving others out of the fun. or the conversations. or the seat at the lunch table. or the group. at some point, you will leave someone else out. you already have. and at some point, you will be the one left out. i've already watched it happen. and all the hurt feelings and tear-stained cheeks and dings to your esteem do nothing to teach you the truth. which is this. you belong. we are always your people. and we will always have your back. your place will always be with us. for our hearts are tethered to one another. but more than that, you belong to the One who created you. He calls you by name and hides you under His mighty wings of protection. seek your identify in Him. and you will never question who you are. people will always disappoint you. but He alone declares your worth.
you are my favorite kindergartener; my favorite girl.
i cherish every milestone with you.
you catch me crying and ask why.
well, just know they are tears of joy and awe.
joy over being chosen as your mama.
for i can think of no higher calling.
and awe over experiencing all the things with you.
watching the world through your eyes leaves me dazed and in wonder.
so when i ask for kiss as you head out the car tomorrow, don't roll your eyes.
i know car line moves fast.
but it is this kiss that carries me through the day until i can see you again.
now, hurry up before i get in trouble with the carline police.
the world awaits you just beyond those front doors.
go conquer your world.
and shine bright with His love and grace.