Tuesday, October 9, 2012

{day 8} rainy day blues...

Before my feet hit the floor yesterday morning, I could tell that my attitude would mimic the weather.  Gloomy.  Cold.  Dreary.  Damp.  Just plain yucky.

And then the anxiety attack hit with full force before 10 o'clock.

I didn't even see it coming.  And it felt like the hits just kept coming.  One right after the other.  All day long.

Don't you wish that when you feel stretched thin, you actually were stretched thin.  If it were true, then I wouldn't have to fix that pesky scale, right?

Anyway, today I felt like I was being pulled in every direction imaginable.  And I'm not really sure why.  Nothing was different, really.

While I was in a meeting, I received a text message with news I was unaware of.  A phone call to my best friend confirmed the worst.  I now had a date to circle on the calendar.  A date that would mark her last day in town.  A date that would mark the end of her living just a street over.  A date that would be here much too soon for my liking.

As I allowed the weight of this news to sink deep, I also allowed myself to sink deeper into a pit of dispair.  I was sad and mad and huffy.  Grumpy, grumpy, grumpy.  No one else knew I was grumpy, but my insides were screaming for me to release some of my frustration.  Instead, I ate some french fries.  {Note to self:  consuming french fries might have something to do with why your bathroom scale 'broke.' Just sayin'.}

Despite my efforts to stop my bad mood in its tracks, the weight of my attitude lingered for hours.

Foul doesn't even begin to describe my attitude.  It was awful.  And I was miserable.

I have been avoiding the reality of the fact that my best friend is moving.  Sure, I've helped her clean her house for a showing.  And we've talked about the new house in Alabama.  I've even Mapquested the directions to her new town {8 hours and 12 minutes, in case you are wondering}.  But all of that dims in comparison to putting an actual date of departure on the calendar. 

Avoiding reality doesn't change reality, though. 

By avoiding reality, I have allowed anger and bitterness to eat at my heart.  It has robbed me of a little bit of happiness. 

I arrived at Bible study and had to fess up to my Beloved Beauties.  I had to be completely transparent and tell them the state of my heart. 

And you know what?

It felt good.  My heart relaxed a little bit when I was able to share how I was feeling with those I trust most.  I left Bible Study feeling better than I had all day.  My heart finds joy in pouring into these women and being able to pour out myself to them. 

A member of our group shared a bit of her week with us.  And she said something that resonated deep in my soul.  We can ask for God's new mercies in the middle of the day.  We don't have to wait until the morning for those new mercies we are promised. 

So last night, as I pulled out of the parking lot of church, I prayed for God's new mercies to flood my heart and mind. 

'My reactions testify to the kind of relationship I have with Jesus
and the effect He has on my heart.  When my happy gets bumped,
what's really going on in my heart is on display. 
In those times I will either add to the authenticity
 of my love for Jesus or, sadly, negate it.' 
 ~Lysa TerKeurst, Unglued

Jesus has a profound effect on my heart.  And I want others to see that.  I never want to negate my love for my Savior. 

I don't know how to change the way I feel over my best friend moving.  But I do know the One who can calm my heart and give me peace. 

This morning finds me in better spirits.  Despite the weather, my attitude is much brighter that it was yesterday.

Praise the Lord for unending new mercies!

Check out more of this 31 day series:

Day One.

Day Two.

Day Three.

Day Four.

Day Five.

Day Six.

Day Seven.

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