Friday, February 22, 2013

{day eight} at the foot of the cross I lay down my voice...

I can still tell you exactly what I was wearing and where I was in my car when I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit speak so loudly to my heart.  It was over three years ago.

And this is what I heard....

One day, you will speak to a group of people about me.

Well, you can imagine my response.  It sounded a little something like this.

Um, {insert an obnoxious little chuckle} do you remember my Public Speaking class in college?  It was nothing short of a disaster.  Remember?  Surely, You remember. 

And all I got was this.

One day, you will speak to a group of people about me.

Not exactly the response I was hoping for.  Expecting, really.

Fast forward a year.  I started blogging and facilitating Bible study.  Surely, this must be what the Holy Spirit told me that incredibly hot day back in August.  Surely.  I mean, writing is a form of speaking. 

Writing comes with a certain level of vulnerability.  It can leave you feeling as if you left home without makeup or earrings or just clothes in general.  Like everyone that passes your way is judging you based on the words you just shared.  Do the words she write match what she lives?  Does she speak those same words out loud?  Are those words really Truth to her?  She forgets I knew back when, right?  Certainly, she forgets that she doesn't have it all figured out and her life isn't all that great?

You wonder how I know.

I've asked the same questions.  About me and others.

But writing and talking are two of the only ways I know to make sense of the world around me.  Sometimes that comes in the form of one-on-one conversation and other times it comes in the form of something here.  Either way, the words only come after much prayer and thoughtful reflection of time spent with God. 

I believe in the core of my being that He has called me to this tiny little place on the worldwide web, this great expanse of information, to spread His Truth.  And to show how that Truth looks when lived out in regular day in, day out life.  In the midst of the mess and chaos.  Among all the failures and screw-ups.  Believe me, my life is chocked full of it all--mess, chaos, failures and screw-ups. 

But it doesn't mean that I don't still feel vulnerable every single time I hit the publish button.  It doesn't mean that I don't worry over my words.  Wringing my hands.  Heart racing.  Head spinning.  Wondering, fretting if they mean anything to anyone who may choose to read what my heart pours forth.   The truth is I really don't want my voice to be heard in anything that I say or write.  I want Him to speak through me.  And that is always my prayer, in the split second before I hit publish.  Or before I open my lips.  Let it be Him that hear.  Never me.

Your very lives are a letter that anyone can read by just looking at you.  
Christ himself wrote it--not with ink, but with God's living Spirit; 
not chiseled into stone, but carved into human lives--and we publish it.
2 Corinthians 3:3

Among all the worrying {which if you haven't gathered, I'm giving up for Lent}, I have spent a lot of time fretting over my posts each day. 

And just like that, God calls me to lay it down at the Cross.

Yesterday, from the unlikeliest of unlikely, I was asked a question that completely knocked me off my feet.

Hey Jessica.  Is that your blog I read on Facebook?  I mean, I wasn't sure if it was just a link that you were sharing.  Well, just so you know, you are helping people, whether you know it or not.

Had I not been at a work function, among tons of people, I might have curled up in the fetal position and cried.

Not tears of sadness.  Or happiness.  Or even relief.

Tears of praise.  Tears of obedience.  Tears of eternity. 

To Him be the Glory. 

And just so you know, from out of the blue, and completely unaware, He has called me to speak audibly to a group of women.  Soon.  Very soon.  He continues to impress His Truth into that message.  And He always reminds me that He is faithful. 

He doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called, right?

I pray the ears that hear me speak will only hear the voice of their Savior.  And I constantly pray that the voice you hear in this tiny space, in the hard to find corner of the web will only resonate His Truth. 

We loved you so much that we shared with you 
not only God’s Good News but our own lives, too.
1 Thessalonians 2:8 (NLT)

It's true, you know.  

I love you.  No make that, adore you!  Yes, you, the one who chose to drop by my house to hear what He has placed on my heart.  I'm forever grateful that you shared God's good news with me. 

Where do you hear Him speak most clearly to you?  Where can you ask Him to silence your voice and speak through you?

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