Friday, June 5, 2015

in which i begin to share our story...{part one}

it's hard to find your voice again.  
when you have been silent for so long.
the space that used to allow your soul to breath became a place you dreaded.
a place you feared.
a place that left you feeling as blank as the white screen that stared back at you.

one can speak words all day long and still struggle find the words to string together in black and white.
words that tell the story in a way that portrays a beautiful tale.
a hard tale.
one with lots of heartache and darkness.
but one filled with hope and the beauty of knowing the One who wrote the entire story for His glory.
thus, making it all together beautiful.

i could speak of being transparent all day long.
but there are still things that are hard to bare for all the world to see when you can hardly see them yourself.
understanding is difficult when you are standing in the midst of chaos and confusion.
it is only when you have enough distance between the dark of night and the light of day you begin to see the Truth of it all.
and that is when you dare to tell the story.

and so i humbly begin...

it is said that addiction is a family disease.
one which infects every person in the home.
seeking to kill, steal and destroy all that draws breath.

i would venture to say depression is the same.
a cold, wet, dark blanket that covers every person living.
threatening to suffocate and blot out any source of light and life.

over the past two years, these are the culprits that plotted to destroy my family.
if i had to guess, i would say they are mass culprits.
on a spree to take life from so many families.

because if we are all honest, we all have an addiction of some sort.
a thing that can separate us from life quicker than we know.
for some it is drugs and alcohol.
for others it is food or sex or money.
and for others it is social media or pornography or gossip.

sure, some can physically harm you more than others.
but when your soul is at stake, aren't they are all just as lethal?

for me, approval is my drug.
if not careful, i find myself seeking it in all that i do.
from my family and friends to my co-workers and things i post on social media.
i crave the satisfaction of knowing someone likes me.
or something i said or wrote.
or a picture i posted.
or an outfit i wore.
i have battled many years with it.
wrestled it until i am short of breath and out of energy.
but i have learned how to seek approval from the only One worthy to give it.
through Him, i have found all i need and desire.

my husband wasn't always so lucky.
his addiction has chased him for his entire adult life.
maybe longer.
he spent many years sober.
and then one day, after a blow to his shoulder, he could run no longer.

i pray you will head on back to my place soon, where i promise to tell the rest of the story.
for now, that is all my heart dares to bare.
but trust me, it is story worth telling.
one that we know is beautiful because the Hands that continue to weave it together are in the midst of us.

until then…

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