unbeknownst to me, each filled the empty spaces and quiet places of my
as quick as a blink of the eye, i turned away from my morning quiet
i built a facade as fast as my hands could manage.
shoving feelings in closets and sweeping tears under the rugs, i buried
myself behind a plastered smile.
muttered words of encouragement and false enthusiasm filled the air
so as to keep the plates spinning.
it was a fake it til you make it tactic.
if i could fake happiness, then i could make it through each day hoping
happiness would come.
destroys any light that seeks to penetrate the shaky fortress built
with trembling hands and a hard heart.
many are the dreams and hopes and ideals of our hearts, but it is the
Lord’s plan that ultimately prevails.
those who know me well can tell
you there are two things i adore in this life.
and squishy, cuddly baby.
like a giant surprise on Christmas morning, our happy reunion greeted
us with the hopes of a new baby.
just as soon as we unwrapped the surprise and tried to mentally prepare
ourselves for a growing family, the dream
the warped speed with which it all happened still causes my heart to
there are few words that cause a heart to plummet to depths unknown.
but i would venture to say miscarriage is a term no mother can bear.
it is a date i will always remember.
and then pushed and shoved and prodded those pesky feelings deep, deep down.
i told myself i was fine.
and actually believed my lie.
after all, five weeks is barely pregnant.
and it happens more often than we know.
besides, there are more devastating things happening all around me.
why wallow in my own despair?
but a broken heart ignored will
manifest itself in ways unimaginable.
over the course of the past several weeks, i have been less than
desirable to be around.
for i had become a miserable, irritable, intolerable wretch of a woman.
while the tension grew thicker.
i spewed venom in the form of ridiculous demands and unspoken desires.
without even knowing, i was seeking healing in the shape of a spotless
home and ideal expectations.
my need for healing reared its ugly head in passive-aggressive ways.
i wanted my husband to know what my heart desired.
and unrealistic in my expectations of my family to give me the healing
i desperately needed.
we can never expect someone to offer healing if we are not aware of the
it wasn't until my restless night of honest emotion with my Father that
my heart began to soften to the healing only He could provide.
after admitting my anger and frustration and disappointment, i could
feel His arms of love wrap tight around me.
piece by piece, we picked through the rubble of my emotions.
in the wake of wrestling with The Lord--of crying out to Him, demanding
answers and questioning motives--i was left with this.
He is a good, good Father.
i will never understand the purpose of such heartache this side of
but i trust it is part of the refining process of sanctification.
authentic, transparent, messy faith is what i long for people to see.
it is with worn out knees and battle scars that my feeble faith grows
i dare not pretend to know all the answers.
but i intimately know and deeply trust the One who does.
so i walk deeper into this romance with the Author of my story.
believing every step of the way He is good and faithful.
and in His perfect timing, He will grant me the desires of my heart.
i need only to delight myself in Him.
clouds roll in, it is important to remember the beauty waiting just beyond the darkness.
I'm sorry for your loss my friend. I too lost a baby around 5 weeks a year before we were blessed with Jackson and Delaney. But the Lord knew his timing was right. He knew that 2003 was going to be difficult on both sides of our family, a marriage almost lost that is now 20 years strong and the passing of a dear sister who wanted nothing more than for us to have children. Before 2003 ended we had these two miracles to help all of us heal and grow stronger together. You are one of the strongest faith filled women I know. I'm praying for you friend!!ReplyDelete