Monday, November 23, 2015

that time i wrestled with all the emotions...

my eyes popped wide open last night and in the quiet of my room i heard His voice so clearly in my spirit. it was time to come to terms with the roller coaster of emotions the past ten weeks had hurled in my direction.
in a season where prayers have been answered and restoration has been granted, it is hard to reconcile the fact that your heart feels turmoil.
just as quickly as our hearts were reunited under the same roof, the storm clouds loomed and darkened the doorway.
taunting and threatening to rip to shreds the joy of reunion.

and silence.
deafening silence.

unbeknownst to me, each filled the empty spaces and quiet places of my soul.
as quick as a blink of the eye, i turned away from my morning quiet time.
i built a facade as fast as my hands could manage.
shoving feelings in closets and sweeping tears under the rugs, i buried myself behind a plastered smile.
muttered words of encouragement and false enthusiasm filled the air so as to keep the plates spinning.

it was a fake it til you make it tactic.
if i could fake happiness, then i could make it through each day hoping happiness would come.

grief is funny that way.
it robs you of any joy.
destroys any light that seeks to penetrate the shaky fortress built with trembling hands and a hard heart.

many are the dreams and hopes and ideals of our hearts, but it is the Lord’s plan that ultimately prevails.

those who know me well can tell you there are two things i adore in this life.
a good cup of coffee.
and squishy, cuddly baby.

like a giant surprise on Christmas morning, our happy reunion greeted us with the hopes of a new baby.
just as soon as we unwrapped the surprise and tried to mentally prepare ourselves for a growing family, the dream vanished.
the warped speed with which it all happened still causes my heart to reel.

there are few words that cause a heart to plummet to depths unknown.
but i would venture to say miscarriage is a term no mother can bear.
it is a date i will always remember. 
and long to forget.

i cried for two days.
and then pushed and shoved and prodded those pesky feelings deep, deep down.
i told myself i was fine.
and actually believed my lie.
after all, five weeks is barely pregnant.
and it happens more often than we know.
besides, there are more devastating things happening all around me.
why wallow in my own despair?

but a broken heart ignored will manifest itself in ways unimaginable.

over the course of the past several weeks, i have been less than desirable to be around.
for i had become a miserable, irritable, intolerable wretch of a woman.
my patience grew thin.
while the tension grew thicker.
my temper was short.
and my words were few.

i spewed venom in the form of ridiculous demands and unspoken desires.

without even knowing, i was seeking healing in the shape of a spotless home and ideal expectations.
my need for healing reared its ugly head in passive-aggressive ways.
i wanted my husband to know what my heart desired.
i was unfair to him.
and unrealistic in my expectations of my family to give me the healing i desperately needed.

we can never expect someone to offer healing if we are not aware of the bleeding.

it wasn't until my restless night of honest emotion with my Father that my heart began to soften to the healing only He could provide.
after admitting my anger and frustration and disappointment, i could feel His arms of love wrap tight around me. 
piece by piece, we picked through the rubble of my emotions.

in the wake of wrestling with The Lord--of crying out to Him, demanding answers and questioning motives--i was left with this.

He is a good, good Father.
it is simply who He is.

i will never understand the purpose of such heartache this side of heaven.
but i trust it is part of the refining process of sanctification.

authentic, transparent, messy faith is what i long for people to see.
it is with worn out knees and battle scars that my feeble faith grows stronger.
i dare not pretend to know all the answers. 
but i intimately know and deeply trust the One who does.
so i walk deeper into this romance with the Author of my story.
believing every step of the way He is good and faithful.
and in His perfect timing, He will grant me the desires of my heart.
i need only to delight myself in Him.

when the clouds roll in, it is important to remember the beauty waiting just beyond the darkness.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry for your loss my friend. I too lost a baby around 5 weeks a year before we were blessed with Jackson and Delaney. But the Lord knew his timing was right. He knew that 2003 was going to be difficult on both sides of our family, a marriage almost lost that is now 20 years strong and the passing of a dear sister who wanted nothing more than for us to have children. Before 2003 ended we had these two miracles to help all of us heal and grow stronger together. You are one of the strongest faith filled women I know. I'm praying for you friend!!