Tuesday, April 29, 2014

that time i locked myself in the bathroom...

{asking in advance that you offer a bit of grace if you choose to read this.  for i stumbled to this place to pour out my heart.  i feared i had forgotten to find the words to make sense of my heart.  and the emotions are real and the transparency feels a bit too much.}

sometimes you can pour yourself out completely into the lives around you.  so much so, that you look up and realize you are empty.  feeling like you have nothing left to give.  so instead, you toss crumbles in the direction of those who need you.  hoping they will meet their needs until you can find the time to fill yourself to overflowing again.  

she locks herself in the bathroom. 

but only after the supper that was less-than-appetizing was served and cleaned.  after the trash had been taken out.  after a load of laundry had been folded and put away and another load started.  after everything had found its way back to the proper place.  after bags had been unpacked and repacked for the next day. after email had been checked.  after she had checked her calendar for the next day.  and done a little research on a situation that has been plaguing her.  

only after all that, she locks herself in the bathroom.
and cries.
sobs, really.

for what seems like hours, she empties her heart of raw emotion.
she grieves for the time lost with her best friend.
a friend she wishes still lived only a street away. 
where she could plop down at her kitchen table and bare her soul.
she worries over a daughter who defies her.
an almost-three-year-old who thrashes and stomps in the hopes of gaining control.
she wishes for a day where everything would be taken care for her.
just for once. 

her shoulders hunch under the weight of the world.  
and they shake from the sobs.
she's careful to muffle the sobs with a washcloth.
because she knows when she emerges back into the reality just beyond the door, there is no room for tears of her own.

she whispers His sweet name into the sacred space she has found to lay it all down.
she watches as His name is lifted high on the wisps of a steamy bath.

and then it happens.  
the tears stop flowing.  
the sobs that racked her shoulders cease.
peace envelopes her.  grace bathes her.  love rinses her clean.

she is gently reminded of the very verse that pierced her heart over a week ago.

“woman, why are you weeping? who are you looking for?”         ~john 20:15 

she knew He was asking her the same.

woman, why?

her legs feel less wobbly when she rises from the water.
her heart feels lighter from the burden of her brokenness.
for she finds the One she came looking for all along.

funny how a tiny bathroom can serve as a sanctuary in a moment when your heart yearns to be in His presence.

she feels His steady hand equipping her to face all that waits just beyond the bathroom door.
she grasps the doorknob in one hand and clings to His hand with her other.
she dons a smile and opens the door, ready to face all that remains just for her.

1 comment:

  1. Sending you a hug strong as I can. Know that you don't weep/sob alone as I think everyone has their "bathroom" moments just may not in your sparkly clean one. Your words are so true, Jess. Don't ever stop!