Tuesday, May 27, 2014

for the days when you wish you could be two places at one time...

i saw you today, mama.
pushing your girl fast in that shopping cart as she squealed with delight.
i saw you juggling backpacks and lunch bags and dance bags while gripping tiny hands and scanning the parking lot for coming cars.
i tried not to stare as you casually flipped through a magazine in your cute sandals and perfectly polished toes while your sweet boy played with the puzzles at the dentist office.
i hope you didn't catch me staring as you carelessly pulled goldfish and juice from your bag while never once having to check your phone for emails.
i caught you skidding into the bathroom with three little ones in tow.  yes, i even saw the sweat threatening to sparkle on your forehead. but, you never once gave hint that these three and their last minute potty break would cause you to be even later than you already were.   the gentleness of your voice made my breath catch a little.

perhaps you saw me.

i was the one whose mind was half in the office and half focused on my daughter.
the one whose foot was shaking and was constantly checking her email, while doing her best to stay focused on her girl. the one who hurriedly breezed into the restroom and rushed her girl for fear of being late.  the one who wishes she wouldn't have scheduled that dentist appointment in the middle of the morning.  the one who scooted out of a meeting in the knick of time to make it to dance rehearsal.

did you see me there? 

drowning in my own guilt.  guilt from drowning in the endless piles of deadlines and emails and laundry and dishes.  guilt for never being able to truly let go and enjoy the moment. guilt for feeling as if she can't do anything well.

there in the auditorium, as the curtain opened and our girls danced on the big stage, i caught a glimpse as your eyes glistened.  and my own flooded my face.

in that moment, you gave me a gift.  grace to know we are in this together.  i suppose all mamas wish they could be in two places at one time.  

this motherhood gig is hard.  it is a constant push and pull sacrifice.  moment by moment, i'm learning to look up and focus my heart on Him.  for where i set my gaze sets the trajectory for my entire life.

i choose to position my eyes on Jesus.  because everything else will lead me nowhere.

i wish you could have seen us after bath time.  we spun and giggled until we were both dizzy with delight.  

i imagine you must have done the same.

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