Saturday, August 30, 2014

in which her tiny heart learns conviction {and condemnation}...

i can still feel the sting from where her hand met my face.
not on accident.  but out of pure anger.
i'm not sure what was louder.  the silence or my jaw hitting the floor.

the tears fell in an instance.  hers and mine.

'i'm so sorry i hit you, mama.'

her apology did not fall on deaf ears.
but she still had to sit in solace for a moment.  
not to feel punished. 
but we both needed a time out for a moment.
to understand the weight of conviction.

she cried the whole time.
i spent the minutes praying.
for wisdom.  discernment. forgiveness.
and the grace to speak with her in a manner that she felt the full weight of my love for her.

a tiny heart mustn't need repair.
nor should it feel less than loved.
not for a single second.

after the time was up, she barreled into my arms.
i wrapped them tight around her sobbing shoulders.
she whispered into my tear-soaked shirt.

'i'm so sorry, mama.'

and i spoke words before my head even registered what i was saying.

'it's finished, baby.  i love you more than you know.  you are forgiven deep and wide.'

as the morning glow cast a warm hello in the my room, i felt a tiny hand on my face.
and these words.

'i'm so sorry i hit you, mama.'

there it was.
the guilt.  and shame. and regret.
conviction and condemnation happen within seconds of one another.
making it hard to recognize the difference between the two.
i breathed deep.  again, waiting for the right words to say.
words that would bury truth in that tiny broken heart.
words that would pull the shreds back together.
repairing any damage that lingered from the night before.

'sweet angel, you are forgiven. it is in the past.  today is new. it is finished, my love.'

as i sip my morning coffee, staring long into her face, the radiant glory of His heart envelops me.
when i allow His truth to guide my parenting, grace bubbles to the surface.

i'm learning that the way in which i shepherd my flock is a direct reflection of how i am allowing Him to shepherd me.
for He alone is the Good Shepherd.
i stand in awe of Him.
may we find strengthen in the grace that abounds in Christ this day.

'you then, my child, be strengthened by the grace that is in Christ Jesus'2 timothy 2:1

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