Thursday, July 30, 2015

when the story of your heart doesn't make sense...{part three}

there are moments in life that are hard to put into words.
moments that leave you speechless.
moments that need space to breath and time to think.
our family has lived those moments in the past six months.

when i began to share our story here and here, i never thought it would become part of a series.
but when He lays the words on my heart, i pour them out as an offering of His grace.
a feeble and humble offering of gratitude.
for He alone deserves all the honor.



the opportunity presented itself back in april.
a pit formed in my stomach.
an uneasiness in my soul.
the emotions that tumbled furiously scared me.
because to be honest, i was not even sure what i was feeling.
it was all so confusing.
anger.
excitement.
sadness.
happiness.
bitterness.
anticipation.
dread.

a tangled mess of opposing feelings rolled as violently as hurricane force ocean waves.  
crashing over me.
throwing my heart onto the shore.
a broken, shattered mess of bewilderment.

and so, i sat on the red, cushy sofa and cried.
i curled up. bundled under the blanket he gave me all those years ago, my fingers tried to unweave the chaos.
i sat in the dark, quiet of the still night and wondered how on earth did we get to this point.
in that moment, i stilled my heart and closed my eyes.
slowly and surely, i exhaled. 
and tenderly laid all the confusion and conflicting emotions at the feet of the only One who makes sense.

in my stillness, this is what i heard.

for God is not a God of confusion but of peace... 1 corinthians 14:33

slowly, steadily, gently and carefully He began untangling the mess of my heart.
He gave me peace for feeling it all at the same time.
because when your heart is entwined with another there is bound to be confusion and heartache.

as He sifted through the pieces, i began to understand.
i had stood too long looking at the past and mourning the dreams of a newlywed.
a pillar of salt gazing long at forgotten hopes.
and unfulfilled dreams.

the longer i stood rooted in the past, confusion crept in.
digging deep and strangling hope.
choking happiness and drowning peace.

it was a long, hard crawl back to the place where hope and happiness reside.
before i agreed to board a plane, i prayed for God to restore my heart to the place that thrilled at the site of the man He created for me.
to return the passion i once felt.
to remove the baggage and make space for dreams.
to reveal a vision of hope and life.

the moment the plane ticket was purchased my heart felt free.
those are the moments i know we are in the midst of His will.

it was a bright, sunny june day when i boarded that flight.
i floated through the clouds on a path aimed straight for the heart of the only one i have ever loved.
like a bride getting ready to walk the aisle, i walked the aisle of the quaint little church tucked in the pleasant town in illnois and straight into the arms of my man.
we sat hand in hand like two giddy high school sweethearts.
the Word of God open before us, we stepped into the new life He planned for us long ago.

i caught a glimpse of the life i had dreamed of.
a life i prayed unceasingly for.

over a leisurely morning of coffee and devotions, my heart rested on the Truth of His ways.
for they are far greater than anything i could have ever dreamed or imagined.
the path may not make sense and the hurdles may feel insurmountable.
but eyes focused on Him will navigate the rocky roads and overcome the obstacles designed to throw you off His path.

three days later, i boarded another flight.
one bound for home.
a home that felt empty without a piece of my heart.
a life that is not complete without him.

my eyes gazed out the window of the bus on the way to the airport.
hot, tears of grace fell as gently as a spring rain.
the honest prayers of my heart had been carried straight to His heart.
and He answered in His perfect timing.
for He restored my heart to a place of love and passion and desire for my husband.
He released me from the chains of anger and bitterness and confusion.
and guided me into His gift of peace and joy and love.

i arrived home like a girl from her first date.
giddy.
flushed.
flirty.
hopeful.
in mad, crazy love.

it makes me giggle.
for only the One who is love can orchestrate such a feeling.
it isn't a fairy tale.
or some romantic comedy.
but it is real. 
and true.
and lasting.

the hope of a life together is far greater knowing we have placed Him at the center.
we are closer to our reunion and excited for the plans He has for us.
both individually and as a couple.
these have been precious moments of shaping and molding.
and His are the hands who have done it all.
praise His holy name!


my lover is mine, and i am his.
song of solomon 2:16




3 comments:

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